How to build emotional intelligence (EQ) at work?

Let’s say Tim is a product manager and is having a hard time convincing the software engineering team to build a particular feature as that would be help meet an important business goal. Due to time and manpower limitations the engineering manager refuses outrightly, pushing his own perspective. On the other hand, his meeting with the sales team goes haywire because they have a different agenda. Finding himself in this fix, he loses his cool and snaps in the next prioritization meeting. The day doesn’t go well. Later, Tim is trying to find calmness amidst feelings of anger, frustration and even questioning his credibility as a product manager.

This kind of stress is a very real and an integral part of our work life. Isn’t it? How to overcome difficult emotions when so much is at stake? How to not lose our cool when so much is thrown at us on a daily basis?

What is Emotional Intelligence (Emotional Quotient or EQ)?

What is Emotional Intelligence? Let us break it down.

“Emotional intelligence” simply translates to intelligence about our emotions. Now, we know that intelligence is nothing but awareness. Hence Emotional intelligence simply means awareness of our emotions.

Why is it important? Well, as in the example above we all remember times when we lost our cool, snapped at someone, or said things we did not mean in anger and what not. The question is why does this happen? Simply because we do not know when and how these emotions suddenly arise with so much intensity hijacking our awareness and calm. Most of the times, we don’t even mean what we say. Whether it is frustration, fear, sadness or anger, these emotions take us over and we feel dumbfounded when they do.

So what is the first step?

Awareness.

Let us remember this. Anytime we want to understand something better, we step back and observe. We become aware. Only with awareness we can bring about any change.

So how to become aware of feelings? Simply by observing the feelings. However there is a caveat. Don’t we normally “feel” emotions? We “feel” them on our body, right? We feel anger, we feel sadness, we feel fear. But for emotional “intelligence”, we have to make a switch. We switch from “feeling” emotions to “observing” emotions.

Mindfulness practices to develop EQ

I. Concentration

To observe anything, we normally need good concentration. A concentrated focused mind can observe. A distracted mind is not able to observe. So, to observe our emotions and feelings, we have to set a strong foundation of concentration. To develop in concentration one needs to practice Anapana meditation. Anapana meditation is the practice of focusing on breath and nonjudgmentally ignoring our thoughts. We do not follow the thoughts anymore (aka, we don’t keep thinking anymore). Instead we start observing our breath. This brings our mind to the present and helps calm our mind down and improve our focus or concentration.

Once the mind is sharp and concentrated it can “observe” the feelings simply as vibrations. So instead of “feeling” the feelings and being overtaken by them, now we are stepping back a little and “observing” the feeling.

That’s it. This is how we develop emotional intelligence. Once we start being observant of our feelings, we start becoming aware of them. This simple practice is called Vipassana meditation.

Now as we understood above, it is very important to understand the distinction between “observing” emotions vs “feeling” emotions, if you want to develop EQ.

II. Equanimity

If you do analytical practices of writing down your feelings and thoughts for example, like in a thought diary, it won’t help much. Because that is not enough observation- we are only noticing in a few moments while jotting down in the diary and we have a weakly observing mind. To get a significant emotional quotient, one has to develop above mentioned meditative techniques. Why? Because these train our mind in observing thoughts and feelings as “vibrations” so we can achieve awareness continuously. When mind is observing it is not thinking, feeling or acting anymore. And it “knows” that thoughts and feelings “are just vibrations” and “no action either in speech or by body has to be taken”. This intelligence has to be developed.

Step by step development towards EQ goals 

• Basic thought record- When we start off, our mind could be weak in awareness. If one has never had any mindfulness practice, in most cases, we would be noticing these emotions only after one experiences them like after a fit of rage or a panic attack. Thus mind is becoming aware of the emotion only when it has become very powerful. Not much can be done when the mental state is like that because the arrow has already left the bow. This is very little awareness. And we want to change this.
• Thought diary- Slowly one can develop a practice of noticing emotions daily. A thought diary is a basic Cognitive therapy practice of self observation where in we notice the situations that trigger certain unwanted thoughts and emotions. We could even take the help of a therapist or a friend to help observe ourselves better. After we have done this say for a couple months, we can move forward in our awareness goals. Our mind is not able to notice our feelings continuously as of now and we are only noticing them when we are sitting with our diary or maybe here and there during the day.  How do we improve this?
• Building concentration to observe better- Once we have basic awareness, we can start with a strong mindfulness practice of building concentration. It is because our mind is scattered or distracted during the day, we are unable to observe emotions continuously. To observe continuously one has to improve concentration. For that one can learn Anapana meditation and sit- say at least 30 mins daily. In Anapana meditation we shift our attention from our thoughts to our incoming and outgoing breath. This daily practice not only helps the mind concentrate better during that half an hour but helps improves awareness during the day. One can in fact try to keep continuity of the practice by focusing on breath as often as possible during the day. This is very common among serious meditators. This is easy to practice because anytime you are just sitting somewhere, traveling, walking, or doing something, this can be done.
• Building equanimity towards emotions- Once we develop this practice for at least 6 months or a year, we can start practicing Vipassana meditation. Vipassana meditation is the observation of feelings on our body with a calm and focused mind aka concentrated mind. With this, our mind starts to develop a quality called equanimity or nonjudgmental awareness of feelings. As we grow in the practice, we become more and more aware of our emotions, how they arise, how they cease and what is causing them to arise etc- all of this gradually.

This quality of equanimity towards our emotions is the only true emotional intelligence.

With an equanimous mind, we are very vigilant of our emotions throughout the day, and we can catch them before they arise. We develop in discernment of what is happening within us, and we are able to make a conscious choice of just observing our emotions objectively instead of acting them out obliviously. Thus, we become more and more mindful of them.

Building empathy

Once we get a hang of our emotions we also start understanding that our thoughts and emotions are our responsibility. Irrespective of triggers, we have the power to respond in an empathetic way. This becomes clearer and clearer as we strengthen our practices of concentration and equanimity. Slowly we also learn to build genuine empathy for our stakeholders- whether it is the technology teams, sales teams, C-suite management, users or others. The main reason why we are unable to develop empathy for others is that our emotions cloud our perceptions and it is easy to become judgmental. With mindfulness practices judgment goes away and our perceptions become whole.

To understand the role of empathy and how we can develop it, please check out our course –