How to deal with narcissism in a mindful way

In recent times, due to my interests and the nature of my work I have been connecting with many psychologists and mindfulness folks. In discussions with them, narcissism has come up. People mentioned how they have seen narcissists behave in a certain way etc and I realized that I was blissfully unaware of all that most of my life. One can say, I did not believe in narcissism at all and thought these opinions were misguided or over-thought or overinterpreted narrations of human nature. However, after some recent personal experiences I want to share how I understand narcissism and how I think one can learn to look at it in a mindful way, aka with objectivity and details. I will start with trying to convince you that whether one sees narcissism in a person or not also depends a lot upon how one perceives human nature. If one’s perceptions are objective, one will see more details and then the label of narcissism won’t seem necessary. But if one’s own perceptions are subjective, or biased, the illusion of narcissism will be very apparent. I mean yes, the symptoms, traits or characteristics are there but if we see with mindfulness or objectivity, more will be revealed. And then we will be focused on those details and the underlying causes, not the apparent disorder. Sometimes, focusing too much on the disorder or symptoms makes them look as if they are permanent. That makes it easy for us to judge, blame or criticize the person and unknowingly we also send vibrations of ill will towards them. This creates more problems. The truth is that there is an inherent problem or challenge that the person is facing that may not be getting solved or addressed and the right perspective is not getting a chance to develop. Narcissism is surely due to the person’s own mental tendencies, outlooks, world views but a lot can be due to unfavorable circumstances as well. You would also be surprised to notice that some degree of narcissism is there in every one. However in a few people this habit pattern becomes more pronounced and visible. And so just like anything else, narcissism is curable. It can be let go. Of course, with the right effort and support.

What is narcissism?

Narcissism has been defined in a variety of ways by experts in cognitive psychology. One typical trait or characteristic that is true in every case is the development of a strong “self view” such that one’s self or ego must be preserved, supported, attended to, obeyed or respected, at all costs. It cannot be any other way. This manifests in people in different ways at different times. For example a person who feels insufficient or not “enough” or does not feel he or she is validated by others or their view doesn’t get enough support or agreement will start showing this trait. Such a person will always be trying to defend their opinions or constantly look for support for their views and even form cliques (ego support groups) to maintain the “ego” or “self view”. Another person may be very capable and doing well in life and attribute their capability to the “self” or “ego” and will start thinking they deserve adulation or praise and so will start indulging in self praise, while downing or criticizing others. Such folks often show a lot of pride and can be very condescending to others. Another person may feel he or she can only live with their own view of life because otherwise the reality is too harsh or brutal. They can only live in a way their “I” or “ego” is important, so they will in fact go to the extent to even start controlling others’ views or opinions or lifestyles to support this perspective- “My way” or the highway. As you can see in all these cases, the “ego” becomes very prominent.

What is the root cause of narcissism?

Narcissism is actually nothing but a self protection mechanism that one develops in the absence of wisdom of how the universe truly operates. What basically happens is that when we become weak, we start to rely on others and unknowingly over time become susceptible to outside vibrations. And when that happens, other people’s opinions or views (which can sometimes be unsupportive or harmful) start affecting us easily. So our minds come up with a defense mechanism that protects this “I”. In some cases, we may be doing well in life and erroneously start falling for the notion that only we are capable or supreme and then get deluded enough to start mistreating, disrespecting, neglecting others so only we can be prominent. The real truth is that “I” is just an accumulation of mental and physical processes like thoughts, feelings, views, memories etc. The accumulation really happens due to our attachment to these mental phenomena and we start falling for the stories of these too seriously. We think these thoughts and feelings are some “I”, causing us to become very subjective, biased and protective about it. However, one needs to understand that it is not the “I” or “ego” that one needs to protect at all. What we truly need to protect is right intentions, right views and right feelings which are founded in an egoless view- these intentions, views appearing in anyone, anytime. An egoless view does not mean the other is more important than us, as we learn commonly and incorrectly in our childhood (especially in Asian countries like India). That results in a tendency to please others leading to upcoming dissatisfaction. It also doesn’t mean both I and others are important or equal- a “we” philosophy that many of us live all our lives. An egoless view simply means there is no “I”. Period. These mental phenomena of thoughts and feelings flow as vibrations simply arising and passing away. These can appear due to a multitude of reasons and have nothing to do with any “individual” or “being”.

Stimulus and response

In our sensory universe, millions of sensory stimuli contact us within a span of a few seconds and mind processes this rather quickly to come up with a sensory reactive response. If the mind is delusioned with an “ego” or “self view”, the response will be egoistic and reactive in nature. But if the mind is established in Samadhi (Jhana or concentration), and has developed an objective view, the response will not be reactive but objective, tolerant, fearless and compassionate in nature. This is not a sensory reaction but a response that originates in a still mind that is not controlled by the senses. This is easier said than done but it is the truth and a verifiable one. To develop and establish an objective view, one has to practice concentration methods and develop a momentum or karma around it. Just like to win a Tennis match one has to practice tennis, or to run a marathon one has to practice running, similarly to become objective one has to practice objectivity. It is all about what our mind has been giving attention to all this while. If mind gives attention to ego view, ego view will develop. If mind gives attention to objective observation, that will develop. We have a choice. Now when unfortunate circumstances or adversity come up in the form of a loss, disease, death, etc, mind does not become weak. One does not see these as “bad” or “failure” or get disheartened. Instead, one objectively observes these as simple universal phenomena coming up due to past karmas and lets them go. One doesn’t run to protect one’s opinions, views, or feelings. One doesn’t seek the attention or support of others, nor try to control the environment. One doesn’t criticize others or put them down to stroke one’s pride. Thus, ego view or narcissism will not develop.

Egolessness or Anatta, one of the foundational principles of Buddha’s teachings, is a verifiable truth that one can observe through the practice of Vipassana meditation.

How to help when someone is exhibiting narcissism

As important it is to form an objective view to protect oneself from harmful tendencies so narcissism or ego view does not become strong in us, it is equally important to support narcissism in the right way so we do not end up harming or weakening the so-called narcissist. I see so many articles, blogs and posts where people simply bash narcissists. While it is true that narcissism as a tendency can end up harming oneself and others significantly, having a mindful view of this can actually help both the narcissist as well as us who are perceiving themselves as being “harmed”. Being mindful which means being objective and attentive, keeps us from not falling for thoughts or feelings or behaviors of “anyone” as something permanent. It is also quite harmful to label a whole person as a “narcissist” or anything else because then we are saying that he or she is not whole or human anymore or is beyond reforms. It is of course human to be frail and prone to error or ignorance. And we should remember that we are also only passing a “judgment” thus indulging in a similar manner as the narcissist. Thus except for extreme cases, when it might be necessary to distance oneself from the person who is exhibiting this tendency and harming us intentionally or unintentionally, we can act in supportive ways. A few such ways to deal with this tendency (within ourselves or others)-

1. Offering compassion to the person in a nonjudgmental way. It is wise to not take their side, inflate their ego or put others down to make them feel better but do offer compassion- true compassion is never misinterpreted
2. It may also be helpful to indicate gently that they may be wrong in their view or judgment however best to refrain from doing this often. Just like one would gently yet firmly treat one’s own child when they are throwing unnecessary tantrums. But be careful to not bring your own ego into the mix.
3. It may be helpful to let them have their way every once in a while even if they may be wrong. It is important to not suppress their wishes or wants if they are not harmful to others.
4. If they hog attention by continuously talking about themselves, one can bring the conversation or dialogue back to something else that strengthens an objective view without insulting or criticizing them.
5. Appreciating them every once in a while is also helpful. Remember all narcissistic behaviors are deeply rooted in extreme insecurities. So it is important to address the insecurity.
6. If someone is exhibiting extreme narcissism like putting us down, abusing or taking advantage of us, it is important to first acknowledge our own mental states- our mind is weak enough to take these behaviors seriously. If we were calm and equanimous, these intentions or behaviors won’t affect us at all. Hence, firstly we must admit that there is a weakness in us that is arising that is making us feel insecure and perhaps even reactive. Once, we have done that, one can try talking to the person about it. If however one is not able to protect oneself at all and the person is getting to aggressive or harmful it is ok to start keeping distance from the person without generating any hatred in the heart. They will understand (and perhaps still not change).
7. Practicing mindfulness and understanding all thoughts and feelings are always in constant state of flux and should not be taken too seriously because that is very unhealthy. One can learn different mindfulness techniques from a strong teacher or professional who has himself or herself practised well and understands the path as an expert. One can introduce the concept of mindfulness to the person dealing with narcissistic beliefs as well.
8. It is best to not expect them to change. Change is difficult for everyone and does not happen quickly. It has its own trajectory. Especially in this case, one is suffering due to a certain world view that “I” is important which is not so easy to change.
9. Remember that they are deeply struggling inside. This is surely a long term mental habit pattern that is not easy to break from and especially forms during periods of adversity and suffering. This can especially happen to people who have been taken advantage of or abused or suppressed in the past, in childhood or even previous lives. Even some traumatic events in the past can lead to extremely self protective or self promoting behaviors. Since such reasons cannot be known to us easily, it is best to not judge quickly.
10. Also, remember that like them, we are prone to the exact same mental tendencies since believing in a self and protecting the ego is only human and a result of ignorance. So do not think of them as small or little and certainly do not generate hatred for them. Think of this as a universal phenomenon and be very vigilant of your thoughts and emotions. Mindfulness practices like Anapana and Vipassana especially help with this. So instead of reacting to narcissistic behavior, supporting it in the right way is a better choice.