Selective empathy vs compassion: Associations vs objectivity

We have heard a lot about empathy, its importance and it’s different types etc. In this blog I will talk more deeply about this topic while introducing three important universal principles-

1. The universe works by law of associations (leading to selective empathy which is based on ego view),
2. Equanimity which can be built by practising mindfulness, is nothing but an emotionally intelligent boundary around ourselves that protects us from outside vibrations and
3. True compassion has foundations in strong objectivity and good concentration (Samadhi or Jhana).

This is mainly based on my experiences in Vipassana courses and also some personal observations.

The law of associations

I heard this almost two decades back in one of the discourses of a Vipassana course that there is a law of vibrations in the universe, according to which we attract the same vibrations we generate inside of us. Which basically means that similar vibrations attract. Meaning the universe works by association. Well, I can say that I am completely convinced about this now, two decades later- post a lot of observation and also some mental suffering. Similar vibrations do attract. We can find a basic evidence of this anywhere in the universe. For example if we simply look at earth, all mud and sand particles are together. Similarly, all water molecules bond together to form the ocean. In human life, we make friends of similar nature or hobbies, people in good times stay together, animals live together in a jungle while humans throng together in cities and towns, etc. But more importantly, and more precisely, all tasks involving understanding, analysis or even communication works totally through associations.

For example, let’s say we are given a question on Physics- How much time does a 10 kg ball take to fall down from a height of 100m? What does our mind first do? Form associations. When we read “a 10kg ball”, our mind first finds associations of this with “mass” or “Newton force” etc and tries to recall necessary information. A falling ball and a number of other associated images start coming up at the speed of millisecs- possibly an apple falling on Newton’s head, a memory of playing with a ball in childhood, maybe a black gym exercise ball with “10kgs” written on it, an aeroplane window glimpse of earth while pondering on gravity etc. Similarly, all conversations also work completely with associations. When someone says something, “So how was the match?” our mind starts throwing images of the match, the high point, the goal, the win or loss, all in a flurry. When we want to understand something, same thing happens. All these questions, conversations are basically sensory vibrations that are coming at us at very high speeds. A series of images, sounds, thoughts, feelings etc. And we are simply responding with the same- another series of images, sounds, thoughts and feelings that “correspond” to the stimuli. It is like a few vibrations of a certain type act as a catalyst to bring up other similar vibrations or corresponding vibrations in us. If you are still not convinced, I have another example. Someone talks to you in an angry tone. Do you also feel angry? Of course this is not always true because it depends upon the state of your mind, capability etc. But what if the angry person continues to throw remarks at you and starts hurling abuses? Will you eventually also feel anger arising inside you? What if someone spoke to you with compassion instead?

So this is true. The universe works through associations. Especially when it comes to our thoughts, feelings, imagery etc. We are nothing more than antenna transmitting and receiving at different frequencies. If we do not insulate ourselves, the transmitting and receiving will keep happening. Because mind is capable of all frequencies. And so when there is stimulus of a certain frequency, say angry vibrations, our mind will immediately respond after making similar associations inside giving out an angry response. Essentially what this means is- we may keep connecting with unwanted people or things because we do not have any sensory boundaries.

What is selective empathy?

And so what is the context for empathy here? Same. Associations. If we do not have an objective discerning mind, we may be unaware of the feelings that are dominating in us and knowingly or unknowingly we will attract people with similar frequencies. Due to that we may form connections based on how we “associate”. Remember these are the people we “like”. You may have seen people going through a serious disease or disorder connect with those with similar disease or disorder because the vibrations are matching and they can associate more easily. For example, a cancer patient would like to connect with a cancer patient because only he understands his plight well. A person who is under financial pressures may connect with those under similar challenges. A teenager connects with a teenager. A teacher may connect with a passionate educator. Now, there is nothing wrong with all this except that these are connections forming because of a “match”. Because we share something similar we connect.

I remember during my student days in US, a fellow student who was a great cook mentioned that she is only able to connect with people who like food because only then she knows how to talk to them. Otherwise she doesn’t know how to connect. All this is fine, except that we should be aware that these are associations based on “ego”. We are only connecting with people because there is a reflection of the “I” we see inside them. Resultantly, the empathy we have for them is also selective. Another example- I started disconnecting with a lot of my software friends or classmates after I left the software industry for good because my world view had changed. I felt more for people who worked for social impact because that was more valuable to society. Also I was not able to hold conversations around new software technology, frameworks, tools etc because I did not feel interested in them anymore. Honestly speaking my empathy for them had changed. This is a classic example of selective empathy. It is an empathy based on ego – unless I feel for something or think that to be great, I would not associate with people. Nothing wrong with it, except that this is not true empathy.

Selective empathy is the empathy we feel based on the vibrations of our current  thoughts, feelings or views. It follows the principle of frequency matching and is founded in “ego view”- whether we are empathetic to someone or not, depends on how we feel inside us. This is the most common type of empathy. However, this is not true empathy and not the same as compassion which is based in a selfless objective view of the universe.

Types of empathy

Empathy can thus be subdivided into three types-

1. Cognitive empathy, is the ability to understand, recognize and comprehend the mental state and situation of others, cognitively via thinking processes. This happens when cognitive (thinking) processes are more dominant in a person and he or she is more driven by their thoughts than feelings. So it’s basically intellectual empathy. Normally in such a scenario a person might be able to understand another person’s thoughts well because he or she is able to associate with them by putting themselves in that scenario. For example a boss may be able to understand his subordinate as he was also once in his place. 
2. Emotional empathy, is the ability to understand and respond to the feelings of another person. In such scenarios the emotions of the person are active and hence the person can comprehend other person’s emotions more easily. For example, a person who has been mistreated by someone will understand someone well in their condition. This connection is made due to association of similar emotions of going through shame, disrespect etc. It’s emotional empathy.
3. Compassionate empathy, is the ability to understand and respond to the mental states, thoughts and feelings of another person by the process of deep objective observation and by developing feelings of compassion. This is true empathy and comes from nonjudgmental awareness of one’s states of mind by developing good powers of concentration and hence, objectivity. This is universal empathy and is not reserved for anyone. It is same for one and all and comes from the deep insight and holistic perspective that all beings are suffering and everyone deserves help and compassion. Such a person wouldn’t have any bias for or against any types of thoughts or feelings or views and does not associate based on ego or one’s own mental patterns, likes or dislikes. This is based in an objective egoless view of the universe. For example, one would feel equally empathetic for a victim as well as the wrongdoer.

Why is equanimity important and how to build it?

If there is one quintessence of Vipassana (mindfulness), it is equanimity. Vipassana teacher S N Goenkaji has made sure to repeat this lesson in courses again and again- the only yardstick of development on the path of Vipassana is how much equanimity one has built. So what is equanimity? Equanimity means having a perfectly objective nonjudgmental view of the universe, particularly the vibrational universe inside of us. When one develops one’s mind in concentration (Buddhist Jhanas) objectivity develops by itself. Because concentration simply means having more focus, or clarity of mind. Being more attentive and present. The more attentive the mind, the more one can observe universal realities more clearly. So one is able to see without any biases or judgments. The key point being, if we are objective towards our own mental phenomena, aka thoughts and feelings, we will be able to be truly objective towards anything in the world. This happens because the concept of “I” is only an illusion and the world is simply made up of vibrations that are constantly arising and passing away by themselves. So it is wise to not get attached to these transitory phenomena or taking them too seriously (this is “I”, this is “mine”).

This is what we practice in mindfulness meditation or Vipassana. We start with developing right concentration by practising Anapana meditation which focuses our attention on our breath while being nonjudgmentally aware to any arising thoughts. This sharpens the mind because it’s the thoughts and their stories and the associated feelings that really take away our concentration. Once the mind is sharpened, we start practising Vipassana which is scanning our body for feelings and again simply observing them nonjudgmentally. As we do that we slowly build vibrations of detachment and objectivity and create a boundary around our selves which is rich in nonjudgmental awareness. With this strong boundary called equanimity, we are not affected by outside vibrations much. In fact we generate feelings or joy or bliss inside of us which are caused by such detached and strong awareness. If others shout at us with anger now, we are unaffected. If others show us hatred we are unaffected. Now, instead of reacting with “similar” vibrations (association), we respond with a detached mind. Mind you, this detachment is not the same as disinterest. It just means we are not vulnerable to outside vibrations anymore. Now our radio is in our control. We can tune off all frequencies if we like and when we like. And since we are secure and withdrawn from our senses, we are able to share the compassionate joy within us with others truly knowing that the other is also simply suffering in ignorance like us. Thus we can generate true compassion inside of us and this is true empathy.